This past week was ugly, in that it totally sucked. I had to admit Potato back into the hospital on Wednesday, and it was harder on my heart then any other previous time. I had to put on a brave face for him, cause my breaking down in front of him would not have helped matters. After the grueling, long day of intake, my work there was done. I squeezed him as hard as I could and told him to put that infectious smile on his face, explaining that being here is to help him, not to hurt him, and that he could call me anytime and I will answer.
As I began my long walk down to the car, I could feel my lip quivering. “Don’t do that yet. hold it together girl” I could have sworn the sidewalk was getting longer in an Alice and Wonderland strange way, as it took me what seemed like forever to get to my car. Once in the car, the waterworks began. Not light waterworks either, I was in full on Oprah ugly cry mode. I was able to pull it together enough when I got to the hotel to avoid the stares one gets when a blubbering idiot is sharing an elevator with you. I got back to my room and cried, all night and when I was done crying, I cried some more. I had decided that the next day I was going to leave the blinds closed and lay in the darkness to wallow in despair. I gave myself one day to let all my emotions out, and that is exactly what I did. One day. Thats all I would allow. I told myself that the next day I would get up, brush myself off, put one foot in front of the other and keep trekking along. I stuck to that promise to myself even though it was extremely hard. Friday I woke up ready to tackle whatever was headed my way.
Crushed. Broken. Mentally defeated. Heartsick. Beaten. Disheartened. Numb. I had all those feelings and more, and I think it’s safe to say that Potato did too. Why was this time even more painful then the others? Perhaps because we knew what to expect. Maybe because we knew how bad off he was and how badly he needed it? It could also be that I have spent more time with Potato in a visiting room this year then I have at my own house. Or it could also be that this time I am not moving and setting up camp in the city he is receiving treatment and instead just driving there on weekends. Who knows, it could have been all that or something else. I suppose it doesn’t matter why, it only matters that despite the difficulty of taking him back to the hospital, I know that is exactly where he needs to be right now. I cannot promise that my outlook will be on the positive side this whole time, I am human after all, but I can promise that I will continue to write raw and honestly about what is swirling around in my head or hurting my heart.
Throughout this process I haven’t felt the “why me?” sentiment. Many of people have said how sorry they are that I have to go through this, but I feel those feelings and prayers should go to Potato. He has every right to say “why me?”, I don’t think that I do. That’s not say that I never do, because boy have I, I just don’t feel that way right now. Our lives are not sunshines and butterflies, but if we all get real honest, whose is? The troubles in our lives might be different, but the fact that we all struggle remains the same. Some people hide it, some people fake it, some people run from it….we all deal differently. I choose to wave our dysfunction on the internet for you to read, but I assure you someone else out there is grappling with a much more severe life issue. I was given a gift in Potato, and I am thankful that for all the people that could have been chosen, I won the coveted honor of being his mom. Yes, sometimes I lose my shit and need a break, sometimes i am so exhausted that I don’t even know how I am functioning, I complain about things like every normal mom, but when it comes down to it, I have an awesome kid in Potato…..Now if only I can get him to see what I and the rest of the world can see when a connection through his beautiful blue eyes are made. Again, he is my gift. I do what any other decent mom would do if this was happening to her son. So to the comment of “I don’t know how you do it”, I say “me either”. I don’t know how to explain how I do it, I just do. It is what it is and I do what I have to, it is as simple as that (well, maybe not so simple….but doable) Potato has taught me to be a better person, not the other way around.
I still feel the sting. I am back home now and it is just not the same without him. The other boys are awesome, but even they can feel that things are not complete without Potato around. If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that we, as a family, will keep growing closer and speaking honestly in this house throughout this ordeal.
One last thing before I go….what happened to cause Potato to be hospitalized again? Well, his meds were off, WAY off. He became very zombie like and though some parents might be okay with how much easier that makes their life, I am not one of them. I can deal with lots of things, the hallucinations, his mood stability….but I can’t deal with losing my son as he becomes more unhealthy and much more medicated. I refuse to let the best parts of him to be lost in a medication. There was talk of death as Jones came back into the picture, he was seeing what he called “The underworld” in our dining room, and he lost about 23 pounds in 2 months. All that and a bit more were the leading factors to having him readmitted.
Please, say a prayer, meditate, clink your glasses and toast to Potato’s health, or send good vibes into the universe…whatever it is you do, please take a moment and do it for Potato. Don’t worry about me, I will make it out with my held high, just concentrate on little man.