I have talked about Potato and his situation. I have also talked about what it is like for me. What I have not talked about is the impact it has on the family, particuraly my other kids. These things do not just effect the child who is living the crisis, it effects the entire dynamic of those living under our roof. Oats is still young, so though we do talk about it with him, the ways in which we do so are different, and some of the details are left out. Mac is sixteen, so he knows everything that is going on and most of the details around it, because he is at an age where he can understand it. On this post, I will be concentrating on Mac and his point of view on the important yet rarely talked about subject of the siblings.
Imagine being a child, living in household where aggression and psychosis is becoming more common. Picture the disruption of family dinners, the physical and emotional downslide, and the loss of innocence you are watching occur. Imagine these things not being a result of a bad marriage, or an abusive relationship, but rather due to your youngest brother. This is Macs reality. He has been hit or had things thrown at him by Potato. He has watched Potato go from calm to angry in 0.5 seconds. He watches on as his mother tries to hold his brother in a safe way and try to calm him down, insisting everyone leave the room to a safer place. He has seen my black eyes, my almost broken fingers, his intense meltdowns and the pain in both our eyes when Potato calms down and we are trying to get back to what we were doing to begin with.
I am painting the picture in its worst form, its not always that bad, in fact I wouldn’t even say its the norm; but it can be that bad, and its important that I acknowledge that. I have to sympathize with how things must appear for him, and I have to see how horrifyingly difficult this can be for him. Other people certainly take note, and it’s imperative that he know that I truly understand how hard this is for him as well. I don’t take that lightly, and I talk to him about it whenever he wants to. I also stress that I love him to the moon and back and that though I may be here with Potato, he is still and always will be, a priority. I need to always keep in mind that he is still a kid having to deal with what I am finding hard as an adult, and my heart hurts for him for that reason.
Simply put, I hate that for him. As my first born, he was pretty easy as a child and aside from some of the normal occasional teenage attitude, he has been an easy teen. I have never received a poor report from a teacher and he rarely gets in trouble at home, he just lays low and gets his stuff done. His heart is made of gold and he loves his brothers with such sincerity. I adore my Mac, and he is just plain amazing. I jokingly say that he was first for a reason….so that I could get a taste of motherhood in its easiest form and not be afraid to have more.
This process has not been easy for him. Mac and I have a pretty tight bond, and being away from each other has been hard for us both. He has been going through some trials of his own, and I am not right now like I usually am.. He is really good about coming to me when something is on his mind, and he doesn’t have me with him right now. We talk on the phone everyday, usually multiple times…but I know that is not the same. Since December I have only seen him a handful of times. I live in constant guilt that I cant be there in the flesh for all my kids right now.
So, he would have every right to be a little bitter. It would be understandable for him to feel like I am neglecting his needs and to have some frustration towards Potato for attracting such attention, I would certainly get that. In usual Mac form, he is handling things like a champ, being helpful around the house and with Oats, and his level of understanding is unbelievable. He has been strong and loving.
I was wondering if he would be willing to share what exactly his feelings are. He agreed to an “interview” of sorts for this blog, saying if it helps someone else then that’s what is important. (See, amazing dude, right??) I assured him that he can give me honest answers, that I will not question his answers, and that the reason of this is to get his point of view, so he can be real whether he thinks it will hurt my feelings or not. These are his answers, and his wasn’t swayed in any direction. I have also deleted any questions that made him the least bit uncomfortable.
I do have to say, that after getting his answers to these questions, I was reassured that he is, indeed, a good egg! So thoughtful and honest, my boy. I am so proud of the young man he has become and I feel blessed that I was chosen to be his mom! He never ceases to amaze me!
With that, I present you with what it is like to be a sibling of a child suffering from a mental illness:
Me: “What is going on with Potato, in your own words, as you understand it?”
Mac: “He is hearing and seeing things that are not there telling him to do negative stuff”
Me: “Do you feel any anger about what is happening to your brother?”
Mac: “I am not angry at Potato at all, it’s not his fault… but I do have some sort of anger that he has to go through this, I guess. He is little, and it’s not fair.”
Me: “What do you enjoy most about Potato?”
Mac: “This is easy. His humor, he is so effortlessly funny. He doesn’t even have to try, it just comes natural to him.”
Me: “What bothers you the most about what Potato is going through?”
Mac: “I do not get to see him very often, which is hard because we are so close.”
Me: “What is a natural, little brother thing that Potato does that gets under your skin?”
Mac: “He is so curious and wants to get into everything in bedroom.”
Me: “What do you consider the scariest behavior that you have seen Potato do?”
Mac: “Hitting, scratching, punching, kicking and that sort of violence.”
Me: “Does being his brother give you any fear the same thing can happen to you?”
Mac: “No. I understand that he has had problems from the start and has always struggled physically and emotionally. I have always been healthy”
Me: “What do you miss the most about Potato?”
Mac: “I miss his love, and hugs, and snuggling with him.”
Me: “Do you ever feel like your safety has been compromised by having Potato in the house?”
Mac: “In a way, yes. We have to keep our knives and scissors up high. I do not ever think he would ever do anything to hurt us in that way, but the answer is yes.”
Me: “Do you feel any embarrassment when we are out with Potato and he is talking about his hallucinations or he has a meltdown?”
Mac: “No. I don’t care about the people who are looking at us or what they think. All I care about is Potato, what he is going through and what we can do to help.”
Me: “What are your hopes for Potato when he comes home?”
Mac: “I just want him to be himself and be comfortable in who he is.”
Me: “Do you ever feel like we care for Potato more then you because he requires more attention at times”
Mac: “Not at all. Our family does not pick favorites. We don’t have a ‘good kid’ and a ‘bad kid’. We are all equal but different and so we have different needs.”
Incredible!
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